The Battle Hum of the Tigger Mum

tigger

Most Western parents who read Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” book read in horror. For those who have not read the book, it recounts the strict disciplinarian parenting style and relentless focus on academic and musical achievement of a Chinese parent. For people brought up in the Far East, it’s different. On a visit to a friend in Hong Kong, I asked her if she had read the book. She looked at me hard to decipher whether I would judge her if she were honest, before replying; then we both laughed in agreement that for us “What she describes is just normal.”

I’m not saying it’s normal to timetable your children’s free time so that they are working all day and collapse exhausted at night, or to emotionally blackmail your children into 4 hours of piano a day, but the tiger parent ethos of involvement in your child’s education and emphasis on scholastic achievement is part and parcel of Chinese, and many other cultures. In reality, I don’t think that this is too far removed from Western values. There are also many Western parents who “expect” their children to achieve; the difference is that they “expect” their child’s school (particularly if it is fee paying) to deliver this expectation rather than to be personally involved. To this end, if Johnny does not get into “the best school/ university”, the teachers can expect a parental rant, whilst for the Chinese parent, either the child would have delivered the expectation (due to the parents’ support) or the parents will feel like complete failures and blame no one more than themselves. To the Chinese parent, the Western attitude of abdicating responsibility for education to schools is rather strange. To the Chinese parent, the school (however good) is only one arm of the education battery, rather than the entirety and personal responsibility is taken for education.

This usually involves extra work at home (to a varying degree from acceptable to bordering on abusive), educational outings (museums, libraries, art galleries, historical landmarks), educational conversation (ranging from fully answering any question the child asks (possibly involving graphs, Venn diagrams and how to construct a computer program to answer that exact question…), to grilling on times-tables and “What’s the capital city of…”) and mostly an extreme nosiness on the state of their child’s performance in relation to other children (whereupon, if there is a hint of not keeping up, efforts are redoubled). When test scores come back less than perfect, there is a focus on the mistakes made rather than correct answers, not necessarily because anything less than perfection is acceptable (although there is this too!) – but because the parent is trying to understand where the child requires additional help so that they can provide it. All this is quite frankly a lot of hard work, but a Chinese parent will feel somewhat a failure if they do not do this (to greater or lesser degree) as it’s practically in their blood.

Understanding where this parental drive comes from is important as it is purely a case of Darwinian adaptation to environment and survival of the fittest at its best. Historically in the East, as was the case in Jane Austen’s times, the future of your family and your predicament in old age was dependent on either securing a good job for your son or a marital match for your daughter. In the West where these were achieved by birth right or having refined manners, children were encouraged to look down on lower social classes or were indoctrinated to sit up straight, know their soup spoons from their dessert spoons and make gentile conversation lest Mr Darcy be in the vicinity. In more meritocratic societies where a peasant with a PhD could become better regarded than a banker’s son without, having academically accomplished children is an economic investment. Generations of positive selection for successful “tiger mothers” has led to a society where tiger-parenting is the norm. Interestingly enough though, now that the job market is becoming increasingly global, “Who your parents are, or which school you went to in the UK” is paling in significance to university degree obtained in the worldwide jobs competition, and as such I have witnessed more and more British tiger parents emerging. For example, in my children’s Mandarin class (which my children are sent to purely to be in touch with their cultural identity), half the children in the class are European, sent to learn mandarin at age <4 years to enable them to be “competitive” in the future jobs market. There are also parents living in tents overnight to be the first in the queue to obtain application forms for sought after academic schools and gymnastic classes. I think tiger parenting has definitely arrived in the UK.

My personal view is that achievement is important. Achievement, “developing to the fullest” and “achieving potential” is a ratified right in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (alongside the right to healthcare and education). Encouraging work ethic in children to obtain achievement is not a sin. To this end then, I fully put my hands up to being a tiger mother. Do I check my children’s homework? Do I stress the importance of getting all their spellings right? Do I make them do 10 minutes of a workbook each day on top of work set by the school? Do I supervise their reading every day? Do I coerce my daughter to practice piano for 10 minutes at least 4 times a week? Do I insist (with varying success) this continues in the holidays. Do I express disappointment if I do not think they have really tried? Do my children think that my favourite hobby is doing workbooks with them? Do I pack a “Make your own volcano kit” in our suitcase for a holiday to Sicily as I know we will be going up Mount Etna and I want to explain how it works to the kids? When I go to their school, do I scrutinize the work of other children in the class and compare it to that of my own kids? Yup.

However, I would also agree with Western values that scholastic achievement is not the be all and end all for success. It is interesting that in the UK the Chinese population outperform other ethnicities in school exam grades, yet they continue to under-perform in employment thereafter considering their academic qualifications. The Guardian 2011, reporting on findings of the Equality and Human Rights Commission Report stated “British Chinese youngsters are the highest performing ethnic group in England at GCSE”, and “British Chinese men and women were twice as likely to be in professional jobs as their white British counterparts. But average earnings remained around 11% lower throughout the population than for those classed as ‘white Christian’”. I would argue that this employment underperformance of the British Chinese is in large part due to the fact that their critical period of development (childhood) was too focused on academic attainment at the cost of interpersonal skills. Play-dates, parties, drama club, debating team, sports teams afford regular opportunities to practice social skill. What better way to learn the diplomacy and politics of the board room than years of practice in the locker room? Whilst largely attainment alone will get you into a top university, it is interpersonal skill and political savvy that will get you into the Western boardroom.

Further the cultural focus on respect for elders, authority and hierarchy indoctrinated in Chinese homes that facilitate academic achievement and lead to success in the workplace of the East, inhibit the free thinking, challenging of norms, stepping outside chain of command and assertive attitude required in the Western workplace. Transplanting elements required to succeed in one environment (the East) into another (the West) can only get you so far, and again, harking back to Darwinian theory, adaptation to new environment is required for success. Another approach to think about this adaptation to environment is in relation to Westerners hoping to crack it with the Asian premiere league now that China is touted to be the next super-power. Your received pronunciation won’t get you noticed, but it generally helps if you have a PhD from a top global University.

Further, although “success” is paramount to the tiger parent, this is measured purely in terms of academic/ career and financial success. What of “happiness”: my preferred measure of success? In psychiatry you have the rare position of seeing the psychological mess behind the veneer of many successful people, and you quickly realise that “happiness” is a much better yardstick for success. In my clinical practice I have asked many a tiger parent that has taken things to the extreme: “What’s the point of your child going to Oxbridge if they commit suicide there?” (it does happen). Of course, achievement and money contribute to “happiness”, which is why I continue to maintain these are important, but self-esteem, integrity and robust personality take precedent in my book. None of this “inferiority” coupled with “superiority” package that Amy Chua is now marketing (this by the way, sounds like the professional description of a personality disorder not the secret to success). What I advocate is pure and solid (and highly unmarketable): self-esteem, self-respect, respect for others, positivity and humour.

How can this be engendered?

To a large degree by parents.

Parents that spend time with you, and enjoy spending time with you. Parents that prioritise you and make you feel special. Parents that care enough about you to tell you when you are out of line. Parent’s that give you a reality check when you need it. Parents that listen to you when you speak, or speak for you when you can’t. Parents that make time for you even when they have no time. Parents that pick you up when you are down. Parent’s that are always there for you. Parents that cheer for you even when you are actually pretty rubbish. Parents that include you. Parents that know you and try to understand you. Above all, parents that make you live, laugh and enjoy life.

Alongside my workbooks and volcano making kits, I hope to practice this ethos too. To this end, I would like to be a Tigger mother. A tiger none-the-less, but one that is soft, cuddly, laughs, and is full of fun.

And probably quite a bit annoying.

 

References:

Mansell, W. (2011) Hidden Tigers: Why do Chinese children do so well at school? The Guardian, Monday 7 February 2011.

Amy Chua (2011), Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Penguin Group; ISBN: 978-1-59420-284-1.

 

9 comments

  1. Vin

    Oh my goodness, fantastic post! I so love this and, coming from an Indian family, relate strongly in so many areas! Achievement, good grades, obedience….And on it goes! But listening to children all the way through when they cry, encouraging them to voice their opinions and modelling respect, as well as the beautiful list of factors in your penultimate paragraph, build emotional intelligence….without this, no achievement/success is truly complete. Tigger Mother, roar (and bounce) on!!!

  2. alexisebp

    This is a really fascinating Intercultural perspective on the Tiger Mother concept. I love that you took a volcano kit on holiday with you to Italy. I believe that children generally want to learn, are equipped brilliantly to do so, and that it is a grown ups’ job to help them plug into new experiences, and to assist them in developing their knowledge and skills. I tend to think that parents should let the kids lead in their enthusiasms rather than push them hard towards a particular goal. This would prevent me from being a Tiger Mum. I do think that parents should really try to expand the opportunities a child is presented with where possible in ways the kid can’t necessarily see to I initiate themselves. That does involve a degree of pushing.

    I was very affected by teaching English in a South Korean Extracurricular school for 6-14 yr olds. The oldest children didn’t leave the school until close to midnight and had homework to complete too. They came I after regular school and studied extra English, maths, and science. The children didn’t seem to be learning past a certain point because they were exhausted. They often, understandably, lacked motivation and energy. The educational pay off of extra classes seemed to be undermined by chronic tiredness, but the parents felt they had no choice other than to push because of the intense competition for university places the kids would enter later on.

    I can see why the educational pressure has come about in Asian countries in this way, and I wonder if complacency about this sort if competition might be a symptom of powerful English speaking nations’ arrogance or whether we just have a different kind of contest. Perhaps our choice of traditional extracurricular activities like ballet, music, or scouts, which promote self expression or teamwork, are more fitted to our cultural demands.

    Anyway, pondering aside, I like the Tigger mum ethos very much.

  3. Shrinkgrowskids

    Thank you so much for your comments. Yes I agree that the norm in the East is rather extreme (I remember my mother would call me lazy doing 7 hours revision a day for my A-levels because in the East this was pretty pitiful!), but am glad that you recognise the societal pressure rather than just feel that “Asian parents are cruel” which can be the simplistic conclusion to jump to. I do feel that parents in all cultures are just trying to respond and prepare children for the job market as they see it, and it will be interesting to see how this will change in view of increased globalisation. My view is that there will be a shift in the UK to increased emphasis on academia to keep up with the East, whilst a broadening of skill sets in the East as their confidence in the global job markets increase. The drive for grades and formal qualifications I think were required as evidence of achievement for UK immigrants who may have felt insecure in the job market. Certainly my father’s attitude and advice to me growing up was “You will be discriminated against as you are a girl and Chinese, you will have to work twice as hard as the British children, and you will have to get the grades to prove you are able”, I’m hoping that this no longer applies, and am now in the privileged position of being able to be more relaxed with my own children, and as you say, go along with their interests. Interestingly my husband’s white South African upbringing was even more relaxed in terms of academic pressure due to the fact that by virtue of being white in apartheid South Africa, your future job was almost guaranteed. Thus Darwin and human adaptation of behaviour to environment strikes again!

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  5. Shrinkgrowskids

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  7. Zoe

    Fantastic post, I agree wholeheartedly, especially how tiger parenting is becoming more common as economic competition has increased. I remember when I was in school and very serious about my school work, my well-off lazy classmates often accused me of being “too serious” about academics, but the point was that I had to be serious to rise up, whereas they could be comfortable of their future inheritance and could relax. I sometimes find it still happens that posh and rich parents in England look down on immigrant tiger parents and tell them they are harming their children, but sometimes I wonder if they are just worried that their own children won’t keep up in the future.

    I am interested in those UK earnings statistics you cite. Could it be that it shows earnings are lower overall for ethnic Chinese in the UK, not specifically among the very young generation? Does it show gap by age group? My guess is actually that overall earnings may still be low because overall the Chinese immigrants here in the first generation might have lower skilled job (small business owners and the like), whereas in my experience most of those who excel in the GCSEs and A-Levels move on to professional jobs and I would expect them to have higher earnings than average. Would be interesting to see the details.

    • Shrinkgrowskids

      Thanks. Yes, you are probably right about the generational effect on earnings. What would be interesting would be to see the earnings by ethnicity and formal qualification. I would be interested to know the statistics for earnings for like for like graduates of different ethnicity, the hypothesis being that White British Male still gets you further – see my post on “Confessions of an Oxbridge BME female”. I suppose that my argument here is that the more senior you get, the more networking matters, and I think that some tiger parents do not emphasize this skill set enough even though it is critical. I’m sure you are right and that much heat comes from feeling threatened! Thanks for visiting my site and taking the time to comment. If you like what you read, please subscribe by email or follow me (shrinkgrowskids) on Facebook!

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