Talking to My Children About Terrorist Attacks
I, like the rest of the country have been left dumbfounded by the cruelty of a terror attack targeting children and their parents. Of course, this is no more tragic than the bombs being dropped on hospitals and schools in Syria or elderly window cleaners being mown down on Westminster bridge, but it is a natural and human tendency to feel more empathy when the people involved are “just like you and your family”. The eight-year old girl that died, could have been Big Sis, the mum’s chatting outside waiting to pick up their children could have been me and my friends. Maybe it’s this that makes me feel it more this time around.
I asked Big Sis and Lil Bro if their teachers had mentioned the recent news at school. They had not. I wondered for a while if I should talk to the children about it. They were blissfully unaware that anything out of the ordinary had happened and I could have left it that way. Why let the world intrude on a “safe and idyllic” childhood living in a fortunate part of London?
Yet I decided not to stay quiet and here’s why:
- Children do not live in a bubble and sooner or later the outside world beyond a loving home and sheltered school will impinge on them. As much as we parents want to shelter our children from hurt; hurt is an inevitable part of life. Children who are shielded from hurt never learn to manage their negative emotions so that when inevitably, they get hurt, they are less well equipped to cope. Better to gently expose children to reality and teach children to manage their emotions.
- Children will become adults sooner than we think and need to have socio-political views of their own. There is talk of extending voting age to include 16 year olds: de facto: children. Whilst the children are young and I have an influence on my children’s opinions, I would like to pass on my ideals of openness, fairness and love so that they are entrenched before the likes of unknown peers and uncensored media get a hold of them. I felt that this terrorist attack was a marker event, so significant that they needed to know about and understand it, to shape their opinions for later life.
But what could I say? No medical degree or child psychiatry training teaches you this. In this, like so many other aspects of parenting, I am like any other parent: a novice. Here’s how I tried my best:
I told them that something terrible had happened in Manchester and we found the BBC Newsround clip together on iPlayer. We watched it together. A good quality children’s news program can convey facts in a way that children will understand and also be counted upon not to shock or overly upset the average child, so this is a good place to start.
I asked the children what they thought about it and I answered their questions.
Big Sis: What is a terrorist?
Me: It’s a person that does things to frighten other people so that the frightened people will do what they tell them to do.
Big Sis: Is it like a bully?
Me: Yes, I suppose so. They frighten people to get their own way or to make other people angry to start a war.
Big Sis: Why would anyone want to start a war?
Me: Well there are already lots of wars going on around the world. We are just lucky that we live in a country that’s safe right now.
Big Sis: Why can’t people just stop fighting?
Me: It’s easier said than done! Why can’t you and your brother stop fighting?
Big Sis [Hmm – recognising this is a tricky]: Well, we should just kill all the terrorists.
Me: It’s more complicated than that. Killing people just upsets more people and often leads to more death. I don’t have all the right answers, but it usually doesn’t involve more death.
Big Sis: What should we do then?
Me: I think we must just help the people that got hurt, remember the people that died and carry on with our lives. We can’t let bullies scare us into giving in or feeling anger and hate, because this is what they would want. Maybe it can help us all feel grateful to be alive and for what we have.
Lil Bro: Will a terrorist come and bomb us?
Me: I hope not, but we live in London so I can’t say for sure. What I can say is that I have lived for over 40 years and haven’t been hurt by a terrorist yet, so the chances are really low. It’s natural to feel a little bit upset and worried, everyone does – even me, but if we let it stop us doing what we enjoy doing then the terrorists have won. So we need to be strong and ignore them.
This was getting rather depressing and I was running out of things to say, so I was really surprised but pleased that out of the mouths of babes can come heart-warming positivity:
Lil Bro: At least they died happy.
Lil Bro: They went to see an Arianna Grande concert and had a good time. The last thing that the people that died felt: was happy.
- Don’t be afraid to tell the truth to children
- Use language children will understand
- Avoid unnecessary graphic and frightening details
- Acknowledge that fear is normal
- Encourage talking about fear rather than suppressing it
- Model a good sense of the risks: don’t get overly worried yourself
- Offer realistic reassurance
- Model a “carry on” attitude
- Continue to spread love not hate
And, if you can, find a glimmer of hope.
If you are lucky like me, your children may find the positive for you.
Interesting article but can I ask how old are your children? I don’t feel like it’s something I could talk about with my 5 years old right now. She couldn’t comprehend such a hotrible act and i think it would create unnecessary anxiety. Thanks
Thanks. I don’t think there’s any absolutes so you are totally correct to trust your judgement. My children are 7 and 9 years. It may be surprising but some young children don’t get frightened by these things, not because they are callous, but because they don’t fully comprehend death or injury. When my daughter was about 4 or 5, I said out loud my worry “I worry what would happen to you if I died” – she perfectly happily replied: I’d be fine, I’d still have dad!
Thanks for your reply. My daughter is 5 and she seems already very anxious about death and getting old. She sees her grand-parents and says she doesn’t want to be a mum because then i’ll be a grand-mother. She says she doesn’t want me to get old or die…. and sometimes it also makes her cry. i guess each child is different.
Yes, of course! It is amazing how different they can be. My son is also much more anxious than my daughter – so even though they are genetically similar their personalities are quite different.